After spending years believing that someone else held the key to my wholeness and healing, and being consistently minimized, subdued and held back--I activated the sacred rebel within me, and I rebelled. (now you can get out your Jezebel hounds)
I rebelled against a system of healing that, like religion, seeks to keep you in need of healing and constantly seeking a guru--dependant on someone else to fix you and/or gaslighted into believing you would never see your Jericho walls fall without them. Like Thecla, I knew it was time to baptize myself and walk in my anointing, living my authentic truth despite whatever proverbial stake may be erected for me to be burnt upon. (I considered writing a sequel album to Taylor Swift's Reputation, but *dramatic voice* the fame just isn't for me. *sigh* )
And thus, despite my initial resistance, I became "The Queen of The Outsiders."
Sound a bit dramatic? And yet you know exactly what I mean.
You too, have struggled with feeling like you just don't quite belong. Your dream life is so close, you can nearly taste it, and yet more often than not you feel like an outsider looking into your life, pushing against that invisible something that seems to hold you back just far enough for you to feel like you're always chasing the carrot or always falling just short of your dreams.
You may describe yourself as a heart shaped peg in a poop shaped hole. (what?! you've never said that?!) You're too conservative to be a conservative, and too liberal to be a liberal. A feminist at heart, and yet that term tends to leave a bitter taste in the mouth. You've considered yourself "woke" because you're passionate about seeing change in the world around you, and dead religion couldn't wake your dry bones. And YET. Many of the people you know in the "woke" community seem to be dead on their feet and falling for agendas that sparkle but conceal daggers much like a Judas Kiss and you JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND why you seem to always find yourself in the party that's being cancelled or censored. You know you're destined to lead, and you're scared you won't have enough renegade friends when you show your true colors. Yes, ma'am. You too, are an outsider.
Let's rewind a bit...
After finding myself in an abusive "Christian" marriage, losing my health to hypothyroidism, low testosterone, low progesterone and adrenal burnout--I finally chose ME.
I have spent years confronting, integrating and LOVING my shadow, my darkness, my wounds and toxic beliefs I had held onto for so long. I learned to love the little girl I had abandoned long ago.
...Long ago, when I learned that the world is a tough and dark place and vulnerability is weak and the weak don't last. When my dad in his brokenness looked at me, and pointed to my mom (who was having an emotional cry from stress) and said,
"Don't ever be like that."
I learned to face my inner demons head on, learned how to cleanse my bloodline from ancestral trauma and darkness, and faced the ways I had been my own worst abuser.
I hadn't valued myself enough to leave. I didn't know my OWN AUTHORITY enough to leave.
Not to leave my parents home, and not to leave my abusive husband. I didn't know my worth. I didn't know I had power.
And I certainly didn't know that my pleasure and my body could belong to ME and be first and foremost for ME AND FOR MY PLEASURE.
And I didn't know that soft is strong, and that my body and wombspace are sacred portals to the Divine.
I learned to listen. Listen to my bodys' wisdom and flow with my natural cycles. I learned that blood is sacred. That women are soft, strong, wet, wild, messy, graceful and unpredictable.
Now, years later, I know that my greatest pleasure can be found inside my body. That I have access to Bliss at all times. That my body is beautiful and fierce in its rawest forms. I have learned and experienced the truth that it doesn't always have to be dark and heavy and difficult.
It can be lighthearted and playful!
JOY can actually heal your depths as much as facing your shadows.
And I am all about embracing it all.
Finding the perfect you in the perfect now.
Where perfect means perfectly imperfect dipped in grace and gravy.